If you’ve just got out of a relationship with a narcissist, you should congratulate yourself. You tore yourself away from the abuse, the lies, and the mind-games, and you can finally start to heal.
That would have be the case unless you had children with them. Then that opponent you have unknowingly chosen is going to make sure you pay for leaving them in every way they can.
After all how could you even contemplate leaving such perfection? The truth is you have probably been planning to escape for a while, as you know their behaviour is damaging and when you then have a child with them, you are not prepared to bring them up in such an abusive environment. So by leaving you shake their perception of their plumped up superiority but you will pay heavily for doing so.
They will ensure you see that they are living the highlife, flash cars, boats, large houses, whilst they provide you and your children with the absolute minimum to survive on. Any attempt to oppose this will leave you feeling further beaten as they will never contribute more than what they see fit to give you and no court in the land will make them do otherwise.
They are above court orders. Breaching them you know is a serious offence, one that could result in prison but they are fearless and endless in their pursuit to break you and they will never be told by a court what to do, they won’t be told anything by anyone. Unless you have constant energy, great support and the finances to fight them – don’t as it only serves to perpetuate their hatred.
The narcissist will go out of their way to ensure you know about their new relationship. This could be through social media posts, mutual connections, or as in my case getting their new partner to view your house that it is on the market for sale.
It doesn’t matter how much they bombed you with love at the beginningwith gifts, compliments, and undivided attention, because this wasn’t their true self. That’s why it’s important to remember that no matter how happy and in-love they look with their new partner, it’s only a matter of time before they start belittling and insulting them too.
According to psychologists, therapists and neuroscientists, narcissists can never change. They are obsessed with the idealised image of themselves, which they believe to be superior to everybody else.
They are deeply miserably people with low self-esteem, so they create an inflated version of themselves in their minds, giving them a false sense of superiority and privilege.
This contempt they see for everyone else around them is deep-rooted. This means sooner or later, that hatred and disgust will be pointed towards the person they are in a relationship with. A romantic attachment doesn’t protect you from being the target.
Narcissists can never really love anyoneand this includes their own children. The psychological abuse this causes is severe and ultimately results in your children having to come to that painful outcome that having no contact is best for the protection of their own mental health.
Remember, every relationship with a narcissist is transactional, meaning they are always looking into what they can get out of it.
That’s why you should never be jealous of your narcissistic ex’s new partner — they haven’t changed. They aren’t fixed. They aren’t happier with this new person. They are merely going through the same first steps of the relationship you did, and you should be glad you’re free from it.
After the idealisation phase, which the new relationship is in, devaluation starts, which is when the narcissist starts to tear down your confidence and makes you miserable as they themselves are deeply miserable people.
So instead of worrying that you were the problem, tell yourself this: someone else’s actions are never your fault. We are all responsible for what we say and how we act, and if your narcissistic ex decided to make you feel worthless and unloved, it was never because of something you did. It was because they can’t deal with the fact that we are all imperfect.
You escaped the worst relationship you are ever likely to have, and you survived, because you are strong.
5 Reasons A Narcissist Moves On So Quickly
(Sarah Squires, Narcissist Abuse Recovery Coach)
“Well aside from the well-known and accepted reason, which is that they are incapable of love so everything is superficial and therefore your relationship was never “real”, there is actually a lot more to it.
Studies have revealed differences in the brain structure of those with diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which sheds a whole new light on this subject.
The area of the brain responsible for empathy (the frontal lobe) is much less developed in a narcissist that the rest of the average population. Therefore they are physically less able to understand others feelings and so will struggle to recognise love. We learn how to love from others but if our brains are less capable of performing this function, we won’t learn how to love meaning relationships are much more superficial for narcissists.
The same area of the brain is also involved in problem solving. So when problems occur in a relationship, the narcissist will not have the necessary skills to stay and communicate and try to resolve the issues. Instead they will move onto a new relationship where there are no problems. Once problems begin to occur, which they inevitably will, the narcissist will once again move on.
The frontal lobe is also linked to sexual behaviours. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, sex is a basic human need but sexual intimacy is higher up the hierarchy, meaning that when narcissists are in stress or crisis they will go into survival mode and seek only to meet their basic needs – they will cheat. It’s as primal to them as eating when hungry is to the rest of us.
The cerebral cortex has also been found to be less developed in narcissists and this area is responsible for memory, emotions and behaviour. Therefore the narcissist seems to move on so fast because their emotions are not as deep as ours but also, they don’t form memories in the same way the rest of us do. For most of us it’s the memories, which keep us attached to someone and unable to move on. The narcissist doesn’t have this problem. Their brain hasn’t stored those memories in the same way so they can quickly move on without the attachment.
We know that childhood abuse plays a role in the development of NPD and this can be emotional, physical or sexual. As a child, the narcissist will have developed a coping strategy to deal with the abuse, which could include compartmentalising their emotions to reduce the pain. Long-term exposure to abuse can therefore lead to new neural pathways being formed, which simply bypass emotions completely. It’s protective evolution of the brain. And means that narcissists never feel hurt, pain or love. Therefore they can move on without a care in the world. Literally.
So the next time you see a smiling picture of your narcissist ex with his new supply, know that it’s just a mask. There are no real feelings. They are simply resorting to their survival mode.”